Honest Emotions Part 1

Honest Emotions Part 1

She was young, attractive, gifted – a devoted wife and mother and a faithful leader in the Church. Then her world fell apart. An inexplicable anxiety suddenly became debilitating. She ended up in the psychiatric ward of a local hospital. Months of intense therapy uncovered the horror of childhood sexual abuse. In a complex and desperate attempt to protect her from the pain of reality, her mind had covered up the truth of years. But now the cover up was cracking, the truth was oozing out, and the pain was too great to bear.

He was a successful businessman, a beloved father and grandfather, a warm friend, a devout Christian. His only problem was his uncontrolled eating. Diets and exercise programs helped for a while but always ended in defeat. His excess weight led to discouragement and heart trouble. Finally, a counselor showed him the connection between his compulsive eating habits and the emotional abuse he had experienced in the home of a harsh and insensitive father.

She was the tough, aggressive type: unemotional and independent, confident and self-assured, competent in business and relationships. Sure, there had been disappointments, but they hadn’t gotten her down. She suffered none of the usual effects of growing up in a broken home. She had faced job loss, miscarriage, and relational disappointments with calm resignation. She was on top things. Until the tears hit. With no warning, the dam broke. Years of unacknowledged grief consolidated into an overwhelming flood of tears. She thought she had successfully avoided the pain. But in the end, the pain won.

Psychologists would tell us that these people are dealing with “unfinished business”. Issues from the past that negatively affect their present behavior because they never properly dealt with the problems. Pain that was submerged. Fear that was denied. Feelings of loss and grief that were ignored. The experts tell us that unfinished business is the source of many of the emotional and relational difficulties we face.

For years the Christian community has disagreed. For the most part, the Church has been unwilling to believe that psychological concepts like “unfinished business” have any legitimate relationship to the difficulties Christians face. According to the Church, the problem is sin, and the solution is repentance. The key to success, happiness, and overcoming pain is to get your mind off yourself and on to the Lord.

Get involved with worship.

Devote yourself to praise.

Defeat the Evil One.

Don’t dredge up the past. Don’t look inside don’t walk around with a sad face. As the great Apostle Paul said, “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” (Phil 4:4). Is this the road to an authentic emotional life for Christian?

CONFUSION REIGNS

Verses like Philippians 4:4, and there a plenty of them in Scripture – have caused tremendous confusion in the body of Christ. More than once I’ve stood by the side of a believer who’s mourning the loss of loved one and overheard something like this: “Well Mary, we’re praising the Lord with you today. Harold is home with his heavenly Father. He’s rejoicing right now with us. Isn’t it wonderful to be able to praise God even in this? You are praising God, aren’t you, Mary? You’re not losing the victory, are you?”. Mary mumbles her thanks, and then inwardly chastises herself for not being a stronger Christian. Why can’t she sing the “Hallelujah Chorus” at her husband’s funeral like she’s supposed to?

I mean, isn’t that what Philippians 4:4 tells her to do? Doesn’t it tell her – and us, to rejoice over death, loss, injury, trial, failure, and defeat? Doesn’t it tell the elders of our Church, who regularly pray with seriously afflicted people, to rejoice over the eyes that don’t see, limbs that don’t function, wombs that are barren, or hearts that are broken? Doesn’t it tell them to meet with the grieving and trembling, the broken and beaten low, and chastise them for not “rejoicing always”?

It does seem to say that. Paul says, “Rejoice In the Lord always; and if you have any confusion about that, let me say it again, Rejoice!”. So, many Christians decide to rejoice no matter what – even if that means denying their pain, loss, anger, embarrassment, hurt, or feelings of abandonment. Even if, they have to bury their unfinished business one more time. They’ve been taught that the Christian cure for grief is to spiritualize it away. If they praise God passionately enough, the full effect of the tragedy will never take hold. It’s like a Teflon shield. Just pray, and the grief will slide right off.

Some Christians make heroes of people who smile and sing their way through funerals of loved ones. They make role models whose who never crack, never cry, never stop praising God in the midst of the deepest valleys. If only other Christians would be like them. If they would just listen to more messages, memorize more verses, and fill their minds with more Christian music, they too could submerge the pain and “Praise the Lord anyway!”.

But in your heart of hearts don’t you sometimes wonder? Is all that rejoicing real?, or does denial play a role? Are valid emotions being submerged? Are pain and anger and hurt being stuffed into a vault that’s going to explode someday?

I have actually heard sincere, godly women say things like this: “Just last night, I found out that my husband’s been unfaithful. But it’s ok. I’m sure God has a better plan. He’s going to work this out. My husband may not be faithful, but God is. With your help, the elder’s prayers, and my friend’s support, I’m going to be fine”.

Such a controlled response in a situation like that makes me uneasy. I want to shake those women and say, “Dear friend, it’s all right for you to be so mad right now that you can’t talk straight. It’s all right for you to feel so violated, you want to fall in a pile and cry until someone picks you up. It’s okay to feel that way and to admit those feelings”. I get very uncomfortable when Christians try to prove their maturity and love for God by refusing to acknowledge legitimate pain. I fear there are not being authentic in regard to their emotions.

But then there’s the other extreme. Some people don’t believe at all in this opium called rejoicing. They can’t find anything praiseworthy in pain. In fact, they leave God out of the picture entirely. Their counsel is to just feel the full force of whatever pain is coming our way. “Own your anger”, they say. “Explore your violated emotions. Plumb the depths of your heartbreak. Come to grips with how unfair life is and how cruelly you’ve been treated. And whatever you do, don’t mix God-talk into your pain. That only leads to deception”.

There’s certainly no denial in that approach. There’s no glossing or “spiritualizing”. But there’s also no hope, no answer to people’s despair. As they abandon their faith in God, they plummet into the abyss of personal agony and eventually become sickened with self-pity and hopelessness.

They take their eyes off Christ, stop reading the Bible, stop praying, and stop listening to the encouragement of Christians Friends. They isolate themselves from all avenues of divine intervention and slide into utter despair. And in the end, they quietly whisper, “Where’s God in all this?, Does He have no role to play in my attempt to cope? Must I face the rogue winds of life all alone?”

Philippians 4:4 obviously decries that approach. But I believe the spirit of the verse also decries the first approach. I want to show in this part that the kind of rejoicing Paul spoke of required no over spirituality denial of emotions authenticity. His “rejoicing” required a rugged, mature faith that authentically acknowledged both the pains of life and the power of God.