Truth Telling: Pathway To Authentic Relationships Part 3

Truth Telling: Pathway To Authentic Relationships Part 3

AN HONEST LOOK

Just for a moment, think of the key people in your life: spouse, children, parents, friends, neighbor, coworkers. Ask yourself 2 questions about your relationship with them. Are you telling the truth to these people? Or are you pseudo community, where the basic value is peace-keeping at any cost?

Chances are, some or many of those relationships are pseudo relationships. They’re blocked b grievances or concerns you’re afraid to talk about because you know a confrontation will force you into the tunnel of chaos.

If that’s true, please remember this: The counterfeit peace of inauthentic relationships always deteriorates into relational death. Therefore, you must pursue truth-telling. Use careful, honest forms of communication, and then trust God to bring you out the other side. As unpleasant as it seems, entering this tunnel is the first major step toward relational authenticity.

THE FLIP SIDE

There is, of course, a flip side to truth-telling, it’s called truth-hearing.

What goes through your mind when someone to whom you’re posed a question says, “Well, do you want  the truth, or should I lie and make you feel good?” doesn’t a part of you want to scream, I’ll take the lie!, make me feel good!”.

Part of me says that, but another part says, “No, I better not do that. I need to hear the truth”.

Through my office window I can see your recently completed weeding chapel, in the past. I remember, when the soils borings done prior to starting construction. The soils analysis said, “Do you want the truth about the soil under the chapel area, or should I lie and make you feel good?”

Although we wanted to believe that all was well under that meticulously manicured lawn, we knew that if we hoped to build on solid foundation, we had to know the truth. As it turned out, his truthful words meant added inconvenience and expense. But as I look at that beautiful chapel and anticipate years of use, I’m glad we requested, received and responded to the truth.

Some time ago my mother saw her doctor. In her typical easygoing fashion she asked, “So, how am I doing?”, he said, “Do you want the truth, or should I lie and make you feel good?”. She passed on the “feel good” option and asked for the truth. He said she had cancer and needed treatment for her cancer.

When you’re constructing a building or making medical decisions, it pays to hear and respond to the truth – even if the short term effect is pain, discomfort, expense, heartache or chaos. The same is true when you’re building a relationship. It pays to hear and respond to the truthful words of others – even if they’re hard words that upset apple carts, rock boats, and cut to the core. A relationship built on anything less than truth is destined for disaster.

We need to hear the hard words of truth. But how we overcome our natural, human instinct to reject them?

My friend says……

“This about “Self-Defense” – during a baseball game I saw a batter hit a fast ball straight back at the pitcher. In the split second the ball was in the air, the pitcher reflexively lifted his glove and caught the sizzling line drive. The commentator said, “The pitcher caught the ball in self-defense”. He wasn’t going after the ball, he simply responded to protect himself from an oncoming missile”.  

What do you think about it?....

I say, most of us tend to respond reflexively to the hard to hear, truthful words that from time to time fly us. Almost before they’re uttered, we call out our self-protective weapons of denial, retaliation, and rationalization.

“My friend, I’d like to talk to you about something”, the second I sense that harsh words might be coming. I active my denial weapons. “He’s got the wrong guy. Whatever he thinks I did, I didn’t do. I couldn’t possibly do anything to offend him”.

Then I fire up the retaliation machine, “If he points the finger at me, he’ll be in big trouble. He hasn’t lived a perfect life, either, you know. If he starts dragging out my dirty laundry, I’ll dump his clothes basket all over the neighborhood. He’ll be sorry he tangled with me!”.

Finally, my deluxe rationalize kicks in. I don’t even know what the issue yet, but my rationalize say, “There are two hundred fifty ax murderers loose on the street, and you’re coming after me for some petty misdemeanor?”. It’s so easy for the issue to become over shad-owed by our reflective, immature need to protect ourselves from the hard truth.

Too often, truth-telling sessions degenerate into shouting matches, pouting contests, and power plays. Why? Because we can’t stand to say these words, “You’re right. I’m sorry”. We would rather have people lie and make us feel good than tell us truths that make us uncomfortable.

GUIDELINES FOR TRUTH-HEARING

James 1:19-20, says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires”. An appropriate paraphrase might be: “Be quick to hear the hard words that people bring to you. Then be slow to react. Don’t rush into denial, retaliation, and rationalization”.

Our challenges is to convert the energy once used by our self-defense machines into listening power, vulnerability power, contemplation power. We need to say to ourselves, “Before, I fire up the machines; I’m going to quiet myself and listen. I’m going be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. I’m going to search for the truth in what this person is saying, and learn from it”.

My goal is to become a truth-lover that I willingly listen to even the hardest words. I want to deal more with issues and truth than with ego and fragile feelings. That doesn’t mean I have to bow to every word of criticism that comes my way. It does mean, however, that if people bring me words that are true, I owe it to them – I owe it to me- to listen.

Let me give you a challenge. Go to someone you know well and trust – a spouse, parent, child, friend, or fellow worker, and say, “If you knew I wouldn’t get defensive and angry, what hard truth would like to tell me? Is there something you’ve been wanting to say to me, but haven’t dared to because you were afraid of my reaction? Well, now’s your chance”.

Then sit back and listen. Don’t say anything. Don’t shake your head in disbelief. Don’t pound your first on the table. Just let the words sink in and do a work in your heart. I know from experience what a valuable exercise this can be. More than once a friend’s hard words have revealed inconsistencies and sins I was unaware of. I’m a better man for every time I took such words to heart.

BUT WHAT IF………

I’ve given several explanations about truth telling and every time I’ve been asked the following questions: “What do you do when you’re in a relationship with someone who simply will not engage in truth telling?, what if he or she absolutely refuses to hear the hard words?”. This is a particularly sticky issue when it pertains, usually, in marriage.

Here’s my response….

First, make sure you are really speaking the truth in love. Be careful to follow the guidelines given earlier: identify the issue, meet privately as soon as possible, affirm the relationship, and make observation rather than accusations. Truth telling sessions are sabotaged by people who are long on truth and short on love.

Second, make sure you have received and responded to the issues the other person has communicated to you. Do a real “gut-check” on this one. Did you listen and seek the truth in the other person’s concerns? Or did you get angry? Did you slip into denial, retaliation, or rationalization? You can’t ask more from another person than you’re willing to do yourself.

Third, realize that sometimes deception runs so deep in us that it necessitates repeated sessions on telling the truth. Years ago, I had a falling out with my friend, and because neither of us were as committed to giving and receiving truth as we are now, we remained un-reconciled for five years. when we finally attempted to reconcile, it required over a year of agonizing, monthly meetings. At times it seemed hopeless, but we stuck with the process, and it worked. Today we enjoy a close friendship built in love and trust.

What’s the message here? BE PATIENT!. Trust the process. Don’t be surprised if God does graduate level character transformation in you as you devote yourself to relational healing.

EXCEPTIONAL CASES

I would like to end this part here, but integrity demands I add one more point. Sometimes deceptions runs so deep in a relationship that temporary suspension of the relationship may be necessary. This is particularly true when there is substance abuse (drugs or alcohol), emotional or physical abuse, immorality, financial deception, or spiritual hypocrisy. If long term, consistent truth telling fails to result in relational healing, there may be no acceptable alternative.

A young woman in my church has suffered extreme child abuse at the hands of her parents. Her counselor encouraged her to talk with her parents about it to open the way for personal healing and relational authenticity. Repeatedly her parents denied any wrongdoing, and accused her of trying to destroy their lives and reputation. Their deception so traumatized her and thwarted her healing process that her councilor recommended a temporary suspension of all attempts to relate to them.

Occasionally, church counselors recommend that spouses of alcoholics temporarily suspend their relationship with their husband or wife. Deception is often so ingrained in alcoholics’ thought processes that honest communications is absolutely impossible. Only detoxification can free from them to relate authentically. It often takes the dramatic suspension of a significant relationship to force them to get the help they need.

If you’re trapped in a relationship so steeped in deception that honest communication seems impossible, seek the counsel of godly people. With their help, determine the course of action that will best serve both you and the other person. If temporary suspension of the relationship is necessary, pray that God will use it to shatter the deception and open the way for future communication.

TRUTH OR CONSEQUENCES

My life is filled with people. I spend time with people, I meet with many people. Is socialize with people in the some community, it’s probably the same for you.

So what does that say about relationships? That they ought to be one of our primary concerns. The shape of our relationships determine, in large degree, the shape of our lives.  That’s why learning to give and receive hard words is so important.

I know it’s uncomfortable. I know the truth can be threatening. I know the tunnel to authenticity is frightening. But there’s no other way.

It’s hard words or hidden hostilities. It’s revealed pain or buried resentment. It’s tough questions or unspoken doubts.

It’s truth…….or the consequences.