Truth Telling: Pathway To Authentic Relationships Part 2

Truth Telling: Pathway To Authentic Relationships Part 2

A TALE OF TWO DOGS

Awful things can happen in that tunnel. One person in a relationship may decide to leave the counterfeit peace of pseudo community by revealing a long-concealed wound that hampers the relationships. Timidly he enters the tunnel. It’s scary, but he cares about the relationships and wants to improve it. So he takes the risk.

What happen? All heck breaks loose!. The counterfeit peace shatters in an explosion of hostility that feels terrible.

I know.

For example, (a letter from friend) :

“Early in our marriage I realized that lyne and I were in pseudo community. I didn’t know the term back then, but I knew I felt detached from lyne because of grievances I had stored up against her. I’m a fairly confronted person, and I decided to air these issues so I could relate to lyne more authentically. During a vacation at a beautiful lake. I asked her to join me on the dock. It was a lovely evening; the water shimmered in the golden glow of the sinking sun. it was the perfect time for a little “heart to heart”. I carefully articulated the truth as I saw it. My communication skills left a bit to be desired, but I spoke as lovingly and sensitively as I knew how to at that time. I fully expected a comfortable conversation and a heartfelt apology. Instead I watched as mu beautiful, spiritual, well-mannered, five foot four, one hundred and five pound French poodle turned into a Doberman pinscher. With both ears laid back, her eyes on fire, and her teeth bared, she let me have it! I couldn’t believe it”

The first letter end with a questions to me: what do you think about it, my friend?, I said, please continue your sharing…..

PLAN B

The story continues, second letter:

“I decided then and there that truth-telling was a bad idea. Maybe pseudo community wasn’t ideal, but it sure beat chaos. I wanted my French poodle back! I decided to opt for Plan B. Submerges the feelings. Suppress the truth. Ignore the issues. Back off. Keep the peace. In all fairness to lyne, I have to tell you that her attempts at truth telling had me with the same resistance. More than once in the early years of our marriage, she tried to tell me how deeply my workaholic was wounding her. More than once, I stonewalled her. I suggested that she fix her insecurities, grow up and “help me instead of hold me back”. Eventually she too settled for plan B. what did we accomplish? We simply postpone our appointment in the tunnel. We thought that if we ignore our problems they would eventually go away. Instead they turned over and over in our minds, like meat on a rotisserie grill, and become more and more inflamed. The chaos we eventually faced made the evening on the dock look like child’s play. We made the mistake of believing that the other’s initial defensiveness was the end of the world, so we backed off. In reality, the defensive reaction was simply the opening to the tunnel of chaos. If we had entered the tunnel, and then talked our problems through to a resolution, we could have moved into true community. But we were so frightened that we made a U-turn and headed back into years of pseudo community. Thank God, our frustrations eventually led us to tell the truth and let the chips fall. We did find out that the tunnel of chaos is a frightening place to be. But when we came out the other side, we realized that going through the tunnel was a small price to pay for the open communication and freed up love of an authentic relationship. It was worth it”.

The second letter was end, and he ask again: What do you think about it, my friend?, I said, Now, you understand about the truth-telling in relationships. That’s the point. Honest emotions and truth telling, my friend.

Let’s continue….

Before I share some of the guidelines, I found helpful in telling the truth. I want to introduce you a few folks who don’t want to pay the price of open communication. They’re all for authentic relationships. They desperately want to enjoy true community with their family and friends. But they’ve convinced they can get there without going through the tunnel. They know how traumatic truth telling can be, so they’ve come up with some “safer” methods.  The example not use a real name (ethics).

HENRY, THE HINTDROPPER

Henry believes outright truth telling is crude and brash, and upsetting. So, he devises an ingenious plan to accomplish the same objective, without actually having to tell the truth.

Henry has been in pseudo community with his wife since she decided to reenter the marketplace. She’s having a hard time juggling a full time job, two junior high kids, a husband, a house, and meals, and henry is having a hard time adjusting to her new schedule. He’s feeling a bit neglected by his once attentive wife. At first, he tries to submerge his frustration, and not saying anything. But eventually detachment and bitterness set in, and he decides he has to do something. He wants to move out of pretense and back into marital intimacy where he belongs.

He could say, “Honey, I’m hurt. I feel neglected. I know you’re juggling a lot, but we can’t go on like this. How can I help? What solution can we come up with?”.

But that’s not henry’s style.

One night as his wife scrambles to get dinner on the table. Henry looks over the top of his wall street journal and says, “You know, honey, I’m thinking of buying stock in Stouffer’s frozen dinners”. Oh, that was a good one, he thinks to himself. She says, “What did you mean by that, henry?” he says, “Oh, nothing, I just heard some takeover rumors”. He only wants to plant a seed, you know.

Later that evening henry tells his wife that a friend at work finds romantic notes tucked in his pocket three times a week. “That’s some woman Frank’s married to”, He thinks he’s really communicating now. He’s on a roll!, the capper comes when he tells his wife he saw and ad for a new outfit called “Rent-a-wife”.

While henry congratulates himself on his clever subtlety, his wife contemplates the joys of homicide. Eventually, she says, “Okay henry, cut the games. Enough cute stuff. If you have a problem, let’s talk about it!”. She didn’t appreciate his point-dropping ploys, and in an instant, they’re smack dab in the middle of the tunnel.

Hint-droppers want to avoid the tunnel at all costs, but they only postpone the meeting, and in the process, they add insult to injury. On top of the initial problem they heap all the damage done during the hint-dropping era.

MARY, THE MANIPULATOR

Mary has a serious marriage problem – her husband. He’s a mild mannered, peace loving, laid back man who’s not nearly as motivated or energetic as mary thinks he should be. And she should know, shouldn’t she? I mean, isn’t she the standard by which everyone else is to be evaluated?

After six years of marriage to a man who uses only sixty watt light bulbs, she’s had it. It’s time to do something – to “should” him into action. “Carl, you should do something. Every time I see you, you’re vegetating”. “Carl, you should spend more time with jimmy. He’s having trouble with math again”. “Carl, you should take night classes and improve yourself”. “Carl, you shouldn’t spend so much time watching TV”. “Carl, you should take up jogging”. She’s like a recording: Carl, you should. Carl,, you shouldn’t.

Mary the manipulator hopes to reshape carl into someone with whom she can experience true community. Little does she know what’s going on in carl’s head while he lies on the couch listening to her ranting’s. He’s marveling at her arrogance and moralizing. He’s astounded by her not so well concealed attempts to re-create him. And this mild mannered man is on the brink of coming to life!

He’s about to stand up and say, “okay mary, enough is enough. I’m different from you, mary – no better or no worse, just different. God made me this way, and you have no right to try to remake me in your image. If you would like me to take up jogging, then feel free to tell me that. You have a right to express your desires. But, don’t tell me I should do it. Only God can tell me what I should and should not do. Understand?”

Mary wanted to avoid the tunnel, but she’s in it now!. And carl’s hopping’ mad about her manipulating ways. Her “safer method” got her in deep weeds.

GARY, THE GUILT TRIPPER

Gary’s trump card is one we’re all familiar with. “Gee, Fred! After all I’ve done for you, you refuse to do this one little thing for me. How could you?”, or “Jim, what do you mean, you can’t go with me?!”. “I was depending on you. Now, I’ll have to go alone, and I’ll probably get mugged or something!”. Or, “Well, if that’s your entire mother and I mean to you…okay then….no problem from us”. Or, “as I heard recently, it’s your choice, if you won’t respond to my request; I’ll go to a church where the people loves his people. There’s no reason to stay in this place”.

Don’t you just love to be spoken to like that? Nothing brings out the worst in us like a good old-fashioned guilt trip. The guilt tripper’s goal is to get what he wants, and often he does, but always at the expense of authenticity. People may give in to the guilt tripper’s demands, but the wheels of rebellion are set in motion, and the ultimate destination is the tunnel of chaos.

MORE NOT SO-NOBLE CHARACTERS

Ivan, the intimidator gets real upset when his feeling get hurt. He’s not content just to talk about it, he wants to “blow somebody away”. He intimidates other people into submission. Ivan spends half his life in the tunnel and doesn’t even know it.

When steve the stonewalled gets hurt, he pouts, slams doors, clumps around with his head down, and groans instead of breathes. Sooner or later people notice the commotion and express concern. “Hey steve, do we have a problem?, is there something you want to talk about?”, steve says, “We don’t have a problem, and if we do, I don’t want to talk about it”. How’s that for truth telling?

Steve’s sister, sarah, plyas the same game from a slightly different position. “Is something wrong, sarah?”, “No”, she whimpers. “Are you sure?’ she nods an unconvincing “yes”. You walk away to the sound of her woeful sighs.

GUIDELINES FOR TRUTH-TELLING

Letter, from another friend:

“Recently, my daughter and I were walking in the country and I said, “Honey, I want to know everything that’s going on in that little mind of yours. If you have a problem with me about anything. I want you tell me. If you have some have hard questions to ask me, ask them”. And she did. We talked about anything under the sun- things that were easy to talk about, and things that were difficult. But during that precious hour, community blossomed. Love grew. Our relationship was cemented”

We learn something precious from this conversation, what’s that?....

Firstly, authentic relationship provide some of the greatest joys of life, but we’ll never experience them if we play the games just discussed. We need to deal openly with the wedges that occasionally get stuck in even the best relationships.

Secondly, here are some practical suggestions for negotiating the tunnel so we can move into true community:

First, identify the real obstacle. Before, you blurt out an unedited, “Hey, buddy, I’ve got a problem with you,”, take time to determine the real issue. Is it hurt feeling? Is it a history of dishonesty? Do you feel neglected? Misunderstood? Identify it, then talk to the God about it. Sort it out. Some people find helpful to organize their thoughts on paper.

Second, arrange to meet the person face to face as soon as possible. Jesus tells us that if we have problem in a relationship we should meet with that person in private (Matt 18:15). Paul says we should do it as soon as possible. “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry” (Eph 4:26). The longer we stay in pseudo community, the more the relationship deteriorates.

Third, when you meet, affirm the relationship before you open up the agenda. If you’re meeting with your spouse, say, “look, honey, I love you and I value our relationship. I want our marriage to be all it can be, and I believe it has the potential to be mutually satisfying in every way. But I need to talk to you about a few things that are standing in the way”.

If you’re meeting with an employer, say, “Sir, I value this job, and I want to have a good working relationship with you. I can’t, though, until I deal with some frustration I feel. Would you listen to me so we can clear up some misunderstandings”.

Fourth, make observations rather than accusations. Human beings tend to do what animals do when they’re attacked. They strike back. Don’t put up your dukes and start throwing punches. Say, “look, I’m feeling hurt by some things you did. Probably didn’t intend to hurt me, but that’s what I feel. Can we talk about it?” or “I’m sensing a change in our relationship. I don’t feel as comfortable with you anymore. I’d like your input”. That opens the way for dialogue that can lead to true community.

A man in my church gave me a permission to quote the following letter:

“Dear, friend, my company’s vice president is in the habit of riding roughshod over me, and I’ve developed the habit of swallowing my feelings about it. Well, today, my boss did it again. This time I gave my reaction to the God, and the God produced flashbacks of some of your recent messages on truth-telling. I decided not to submerge my anger any longer. I walked into my boss’s office, trusting the God for the right words to say. The resulting conversation was refreshingly honest- and a breakthrough for me and my employer. How thankful I am for God’s plan of telling the truth”.

That man said, “Enough is enough. I’ve had it with pseudo community”. He walked into the tunnel trusting God, played no games, and came out the other side on the path to a relational authenticity.