Truth Telling: Pathway To Authentic Relationships Part 1

Truth Telling: Pathway To Authentic Relationships Part 1

Forming proper philosophies of masculinity and femininity brings us one step closer to authentic Christianity. The next steps goes beyond how we see ourselves to how we relate to one another.

We yearn for relationships where we can be completely honest, open and vulnerable. Where we can share failures as well as successes. Shortcomings as well as strengths. Where we can reveal doubts and fears. Where we can find empathy and confidentiality.

These intimate, authentic relationships are exactly what God has in mind for us. He created us for relationships, and wants usto experience them at their best.

Over the years certain people have informed me that they don’t need such relationships. But they’ve been unconvincing. Their overdone bravado has always struck me as a poor cover up for their disappointment in building good relationships.

All of us long for deep, authentic relationships marked b integrity and open communication. But how often do we experience them? Occasionally? Once in a lifetime? Never?

During the last decade and a half, I’ve heard many tales of relationships marred by hidden hostilities and unspoken hurts. While a number of factors contribute to this, I believe the biggest problem is that too often we violate the basic requirements of authentic relationships: honesty. Learning how to tell others the truth is the basis of genuine relationships and the goal of this part.

A GREAT THEORY, BUT…..

“If I told my boss the truth, he would blow his stack”

“If I told my husband how I feel about his constant travelling, he would get defensive and withdraw even more”

“If I told my parents how frustrated I am in school, they would be too disappointed to understand”

“if I told my wife how sexually frustrated I am in our marriage, she would accuse me of heaving a one-track mind”

“If I told my professor the real reason I didn’t finish my paper on time, she would dock my grade”

On and on we go, explaining why we can’t afford to tell the truth. Few of us debate the biblical position on truth-telling. Speak the truth in love. Don’t bear false witness. Lay aside falsehood, speak truth to one another (See Eph 4:15; Ex 20:16; Eph 4:25). We agree in theory of honesty is the best policy. It is the key to authentic relationships.

But in those awkward moments when we stand face to face with someone, knowing they may not readily receive the truth, truth-telling doesn’t sound like such a great idea. It might be okay for someone else, not for us.

THE EXAMPLE

One day when I was getting ready to step out of the shower, where I work out. I noticed another man step out ahead of me. After making sure no one was watching, he grabbed my towel, dried himself, threw the towel on the floor, and then headed for the locker room. I couldn’t believe it!

I was upset by his action, and being the forthright, fearless, outspoken, born activists that I am…. I said absolutely nothing. I’ve learned over the years to mind my manners around people bigger and stronger than i. But this guy was little and old. He was probably freebasing his vitamins! And still said nothing – on the outside. On  the inside I was raging. “Excuse me, mister. That was my towel, you just profaned. And I am more than a little perturbed about it!”

The man didn’t know it was my towel, he had just ripped off, so when I entered the locker room, he tried to engage me in friendly conversation: the stock market, the Bear’s players strike, the weekend, the weather forecast. What did I do? I joined in the conversation and graciously submerged my feelings about what he had done. We dressed and parted ways.

But you know what? The next time I see that man, the first thought that’s going to cross my mind is, “Why did he swipe my towel?” that man doesn’t know it, but there’s a major blockage in our relationships.

PEACE – KEEPING OR TRUTH TELLING

Why didn’t I just say, “Excuse me sir, that’s my towel?”, or “Sir, did you forget your towel?. I’ll be happy to get you one”. Why didn’t I engage myself in the situation honestly?

I’ll tell you why. Because it’s human nature to prefer peace-keeping over truth-telling. Most of us will do almost anything to avoid conflict.

Years ago, I saw a television show where a camera was hidden in a restaurant. An actor entered, sat next to a man eating at the counter, and without saying a word, grabbed some French fries off the man’s plate. This scenario was repeated numerous times, and nine times out of ten victims never said a word. You knew they were doing a slow burn inside, they clenched their firsts and glared at the thief in disbelief. But they never said a word.

When people submerge their true feelings in order to preserve harmony, they undermine the integrity of a relationship. They buy peace on the surface, but underneath there are hurt feelings, troubling questions, and hidden hostilities just waiting to erupt. Its costly price to pay for a cheap peace and it inevitably leads to inauthentic relationships.

ENTER THE TUNNEL

In his book, the different drum, Scott Peck, presents an interesting theory about relationships. He says, God designed us to yearn for open, honest, authentic relationships _”communal” relationships. But because we choose peace-keeping over truth telling, we end up in “pseudo communal” relationships instead.

 These are marriages, family relationships, or friendships that are strictly surface level. No one says anything “unsafe”. They never discuss misunderstandings, reveal hurt feelings, air frustrations, or ask difficult questions. The underlying rule in pseudo community is: Don’t rock the boat. Don’t disturb the peace.

But it is a counterfeit peace. Misunderstandings arise, but they’re never resolved. Feelings beg to be shared, but they’re not. Offenses occur, but nobody talks about them. Doubts about the other’s integrity creep in, but they’re never dealt with.

In time such relationships deteriorate. The secret agendas of hurt and misunderstanding lead to detachment, distrust, and bitterness. Feelings of love begin to die. It’s the story of too many marriages, family relationships, and friendships.

Peck says the only antidote to pseudo community is chaos – I call it “the tunnel of chaos”, where hurts are unburried, hostilities revealed, and tough questions asked. Sisters know that of they want to drive from A city, they have to go through the B city to make it to A, they have to go to through that tunnel. Likewise no matter how unpleasant the tunnel of chaos is, there’s no other route to authentic relationships.