For Husbands Only; Take Care of Your Homes; The Sacrificing Husband; What does it mean to dwell with your wife with understanding?

For Husbands Only; Take Care of Your Homes; The Sacrificing Husband; What does it mean to dwell with your wife with understanding?

By John MacArthur

Valentine's Day may be the one time each year that most husbands let down the macho exterior and actually demonstrate their love for their wives in tangible ways. You might shower your wife with flowers or candy, or take her out on a romantic evening. Some of you may even make greater sacrifices, such as cleaning the house, treating her to breakfast in bed, or buying some cherished gift. But once the day ends, so does Prince Charming, and you revert to your normal self and usual role.

Ask many Christian husbands to summarize their biblical duty in one word, and they will answer, "Leadership." Scripture answers the question with a different word: love.

There is no doubt that God's design for you if you're a husband includes the aspect of leadership. But it is a leadership that flows from love and is always tempered by tender, caring affection. The husband's proper role as a loving, nurturing head is best epitomized by Christ, who took the servant's role to wash His disciples' feet (John 13:3-17).

It is significant that before the apostle Paul instructs husbands and wives how to love each other that he calls for mutual submission. The New American Standard Bible renders Ephesians 5:21 this way: "Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." That's a general command to all Christians in all contexts.

Husbands are no exception to this rule. The love you are to show your wife involves submission. It is colored and characterized by meekness, tenderness, and service. It is a humble, servant's love, like that of Christ.

Submission is what sets the stage for Paul's instructions to husbands: "Love your wives" (v. 25). The whole idea of the husband's headship is a comparison to Christ. The husband's headship over the wife is likened to Christ's headship over the church. "The husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church" (v. 23). Therefore your love for your wife is supposed to be like Christ's love for the church: "Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her" (v. 25).

The sacrifice of Christ is the very epitome of what love calls for. First John 3:16 says, "By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us." Jesus Himself said, "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends" (John 15:13).

Without actually using the word love, the apostle Peter describes your love for your wife: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with [your wives] with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7).

The headship-submission relationship is not about inherent superiority and inferiority. Many wives are frankly wiser, more knowledgeable, more articulate, and more discerning than their husbands. Yet God has ordered the family so that the man is the head. That is not because the wife automatically owes the husband servile deference as his inferior--for she is not to be treated as an inferior, but as a sister and joint heir. The reason for the divine order is that your wife is the weaker vessel--more to come about that in a moment--and you therefore owe her sacrifice and protection.

My challenge to you husbands is to make every day a Valentine's Day for your wives. Make the following three actions a daily priority in your relationship with your wife and you will be fulfilling your Christlike, sacrificial duty toward her.

Consideration

"Live with your wives in an understanding way," Peter says in verse 7 (NASB). He's speaking of being considerate. This is opposite the cave-man mentality some today would advocate. It's incompatible with the kind of independent, proud, self-absorbed machismo many seem to think epitomizes true maleness. It calls for understanding, sensitivity, and meeting your wife's needs. It involves a sincere effort to understand her feelings, fears, anxieties, concerns, goals, dreams, and desires. In short, you must be considerate.

Often it boils down to listening. You must understand your wife's heart. How can you express a sacrificial love that meets her needs when you have no earthly idea what those needs are?

That is frankly a struggle for most men. It is not something that comes naturally to us. Like our children, we wrestle against our own sinful tendencies and selfish desires. But God calls us to be models of sacrificial love in our families, and that begins by being considerate.

Chivalry

The wife is "the weaker vessel," according to Peter. In what sense are women "weaker?" This has reference primarily to the physical realm. Women are, as a class, physically weaker than men. Now, it is undoubtedly true that there are some men whose wives are physically more powerful than them. But that is unusual, and I believe that even in those exceptional cases, the principle still applies. You are to treat your wife with a gentle chivalry. You can do this in a thousand ways, from opening doors for her to moving furniture and doing the heavy work around the house.

A loving husband would not say to his wife, "After you've changed the tire I'll be glad to take you to the store." We serve them with our strength. We treat them as the weaker vessel, showing them a particular deference in matters where their physical weakness places them at a disadvantage. First Peter 3:7 actually suggests that God designed women to be under the protection of a man, benefiting from his strength. And serving our wives by lending them that strength is one of the main ways we show them a Christlike, sacrificial love.

Communion

We're to regard our wives "as being heirs together of the grace of life." Men and women may be unequal physically, but they are equal spiritually. Treat your wife as a spiritual equal. While you're legitimately concerned with the task of spiritual leadership in your home, don't forget the responsibility of communion before God with your wife as a joint heir of His grace. Your role as her leader does not mean you are her superior. Both of you are utterly dependent on divine grace, and you are heirs together of that grace.

In the Song of Solomon, the wife says of her husband, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend" (5:16). I love that expression. She rejoices in her love for him, but it is not just his romantic devotion that thrills her. It is not his machismo or his leadership that causes her heart to sing. What is it? She is glad that he is her friend. That's the kind of relationship husbands should cultivate. It is a deep sense of intimate, equal sharing of spiritual things. It is a communion together like no other relationship on earth.

Here's a simple way of summarizing sacrificial love: The Spirit filled husband loves his wife not for what she can do for him, but because of what he can do for her. That is exactly how Christ's love works. He loves us not because there's something in us that attracts Him, not because He gains any benefit from loving us, but simply because He determined to love us and delights to bestow on us His favor.

Did you realize that love is an act of the will, not a feeling? It is a commitment to the welfare of its object. It is a voluntary devotion. It involves sacrifice, consideration, chivalry, communion, courtesy, and commitment. It is precisely the kind of love you owe your wife. And if you are willing to obey God, by the power of God's Spirit, you can muster that kind of love for your wife.

Husbands, Take Care of Your Homes

Men, what if your employer described you in an annual review as “passive, indifferent, and irresponsible”? Without a radical change in attitude and behavior, you’d find yourself looking for another job. If you can’t get away with it at work, why would you think it’s okay to slough off at home? The sad reality is that many husbands—though willing to work hard and expend great energy in the workplace, at recreation, or even with hobbies and leisure—many act like indolent teenagers at home, shirking their responsibilities toward their wives and children.

In today’s selection, John takes a baseball bat to the world’s version of manhood, and shows from Ephesians 5 what real manliness looks like. Here’s a bottom line: True manhood starts and ends in the home. Husbands, listen to the whole clip (wives, make sure they do it!).

Gentlemen, now that you’ve heard this for yourselves, ask your wife to listen and then do a little exercise. Ask your wife to rate your performance in the workplace on a scale of 1-10 (1 is a low score, 10 is high). Then ask her to rate your performance in the home, as a husband and as a father. After that, if you dare, come back to the comment thread and let’s discuss what we’ve learned. It might be painful, but that’s okay—no pain, no gain, right?

The Sacrificing Husband

The world tells husbands, “Don’t let anyone tell you what to do. Be a macho man. Grab the gusto. Live for the moment.” The Bible’s message to husbands is exactly the opposite—“Crucify yourself.” Here’s how Paul put it in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself up for her.” That raises a question: Even a great Christian husband, on his best day, can’t match Christ’s loving sacrifice for the church. What does Paul expect?

Paul did not have in mind an overpowering feeling of romance or an undying physical attraction. Emotion and attraction fluctuate and fade, sometimes quickly. But the world believes the love is over when the feeling stops, which leads to an immoral practice of serial monogamy. But biblical love is far beyond anything the world has known, and that’s the kind of love Paul was talking about. As John MacArthur explains, here’s how husbands are to love their wives . . .

Listen to the sermon excerpt, then consider this question for the discussion: In what ways do we see the world’s idea of love influence and corrupt Christian marriages?

send to a friend #1  Posted by Eliezer Salazar  |  Tuesday, September 07, 2010at 8:24 PM

This is truly convicting. I'm not a married man yet but, being in a relationship, the Bible clearly teaches us men to devote ourselves completely to our companions and serving them as Christ served the Church. Men, we must retake the Biblical manly role of servitude and leadership, and not of dominion and violence.

send to a friend #2  Posted by Mary Elizabeth Palshan  |  Tuesday, September 07, 2010at 10:13 PM

Thanks to Dr. John MacArthur for always giving us the balanced view from Scripture, not only on this particular subject, but on all doctrinal matters.

send to a friend #3  Posted by Melissa Dixon  |  Tuesday, September 07, 2010at 11:30 PM

Eliezer, may God give you the lady of your heart's desire--you would make her life so joy-filled. I hope you are discipling young men.....

God keep you and grow you.

Let us be constant in prayer for all of the young men and women longing to walk according to their Master's design for marriage, that the image of Christ be formed in them--to their everlasting and supreme joy.

send to a friend #4  Posted by Dan Wilson  |  Wednesday, September 08, 2010at 2:27 PM

A man can cry. Jesus cried when His friend "Lazarus" died. I mean't

the world wants a man to not follow the Word of God.

OH, back to the blog. Yes, It's a great thing to know. Like a husband

must help his wife and children through sickness, health, and death.

With Jesus, a husband is strong, faithful, climbs back up when he falls, forgiving, kind, loving, respects and honorable. One more,

patience too.

send to a friend #5  Posted by Doug Johnson  |  Wednesday, September 08, 2010at 5:20 PM

The world's idea of love really isn't love at all. The world's concept is based on superficial, self-serving ideas that are the antithesis of Christ's example. My father was not a Christian and yet when I was a young man he said to me something that I've found fits well with my faith. He told me that when the day would come and I got married I should focus my energies on serving my wife and our relationship, expect nothing in return except her faithfulness to the marriage, and be thankful when I got more than that. He had a very selfless attitude about his relationship with my mother and their marriage lasted until she died 56 1/2 years after they married. That role model along with learning from God's Word through personal study and great and faithful men like Dr. McArthur has caused me to be blessed with a wife and marriage that I could never have dreamed of.

send to a friend #6  Posted by Andy Cartwright  |  Thursday, September 09, 2010at 1:50 AM

This is truly the word of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Its very real for me!!!!

OH GOD!! Please fill me with your word each day that I may LOVE my wife as you say in your word.

Keep going John!!

send to a friend #7  Posted by Eddie Mckee  |  Sunday, September 12, 2010at 7:06 AM

A difficult test of a husband's sacrificing for his wife is when she's sometimes more like the church at Corinth or Laodecia. A husband will struggle greatly in laying down his life for his wife if he gets distracted from being filled with the Spirit. The Church in this world struggles with the world, the flesh, and the devil. Marriages will struggle with the same. The husband is in need of the whole armour of God, for the flesh is weak but the Spirit is willing.

Let us pray for one another

send to a friend #8  Posted by Tom Brannon  |  Sunday, September 12, 2010at 7:51 PM

John, not sure if time allows you to read the comments posted but I hope these words are encouraging to the GTY family. 15 years ago i was introduced to you through GTY tape ministry, which brought us out of a false doctrine. Our marriage was in shambles, to the point of separation. God miraculously changed our lives on all points and continues to do so by his Grace and Mercy.

The command "To love your wife as Christ so loved the church" is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling scripture in a marriage covenant.

Thank you for being faithful to our lord in teaching the Truth of the Gospel.

send to a friend #9  Posted by Steven Y Frankel  |  Monday, September 13, 2010at 10:46 PM

Loving my wife, to the best of my ability, has been very rewarding for me. I don't do it, for gain, I do it for Jesus. I desire to follow this command, and don't view it as a suggestion. Seeing my wife happy, brings me great joy. It is like watching a flower grow, and bloom, and the blossom never dies. Her smile warms my heart, and her laughter is music to my ears. God gave her to me for a while, and I am so thankful. She is the gift that keeps on giving.

I find that when I put her needs before my own, and take up His cross, and follow Him, out of love for Him, everything falls into place. Even though we have had many trials, we have a house of peace, because of the Prince of peace is our example to follow.

Pastor John, I have listened to you for many years. I never grow tired of your teachings. The Lord has used you to help this stubborn Jew know Jesus as my Lord, and enabled me to become a better man and husband. I have still much to learn. May God bless you, beyond measure, for your faithfulness.

What does it mean to dwell with your wife with understanding?

The apostle Peter wrote: Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

Living with your wife with understanding first of all involves mutual submission. Prior to commanding wives to submit to their husbands the apostle Paul taught that we are to submit to one another in the fear of the God (Ephesians 5:21). Submission is thus the responsibility ofChristian husbands as well as of wives. Though not submitting to his wife as a leader, a believing husband must submit to the loving duty of being sensitive to the needs, fears, and feelings of his wife. In other words, a Christian husband needs to subordinate his needs to hers, whether she is a Christian or not.

In 1 Peter 3:7 Peter specifically notes consideration, chivalry, and companionship. Let's look at each of these qualities in turn.

Be Considerate

"Understanding" speaks of being sensitive to your wife's deepest physical and emotional needs. In other words, be thoughtful and respectful. Remember, you are to nourish and cherish her (Eph. 5:25-28). Many women have said to me, "My husband doesn't understand me. We never talk. He doesn't know how I feel or what I'm thinking about." Such insensitivity builds walls in marriages. "Live with your wives in an understanding way" is another way of saying, "Be considerate." It isn't what you get out of marriage but what you put into it that brings glory to God. Do you know your wife's needs? Have you discussed them with her? Have you asked her what kind of husband she wants you to be?

Be Chivalrous

By God's design, a wife is to be the special object of her husband's love and care. As "a weaker vessel" she is under his authority and protection. "Weaker" doesn't mean weaker spiritually or intellectually, but physically and perhaps emotionally. Scripture indicates that in several places. For example, in Jeremiah 51:30 we read, "The mighty men of Babylon have ceased fighting, they stay in the strongholds; their strength is exhausted, they are becoming like women; their dwelling places are set on fire, the bars of her gates are broken" (cf. Isa. 19:16; Jer. 50:37; Nahum 3:13). Babylon's army was compared to women because it was afraid, without strength, and defenseless.

It's not a negative thing for a woman to be a weaker vessel. In making the man stronger, God designed a wonderful partnership. One way a husband can protect and provide for his wife is to practice chivalry. Whatever happened to the custom of opening the car door for your wife? Some husbands are fifteen feet down the driveway while the wife still has one foot out the door! Look for ways to be courteous that you know she will appreciate.

Be a Companion

"Giving honor" is another way of saying, "Treat your wife with respect" while "grace of life" is a reference to marriage. "Grace" simply means "a gift," and one of the best gifts life has to offer is marriage. Thus when Peter says to give her respect as a "fellow heir of the grace of life," he is commanding husbands to respect their wives as equal partners in the marriage. Another way to win her to Christ is to cultivate companionship and friendship. That necessitates sharing your life with her and developing mutual interests. Think about things you can do together. One of the secrets of a happy relationship is finding commonality.

These aren't mere casual suggestions. According to Peter, your applying them has a direct bearing on how your prayers are answered. Since those prayers would include petitions for her salvation, don't neglect being considerate, chivalrous, and a companion to your unsaved wife.